For about the past month and a half, things have just been like a complete up and down roller coaster that i wish that i could just get off and be done with it. i can randomly just come home and start crying if i happen to think of something or what not, because it sometimes just seems like i don't even recognize my life and i don't know what's happening..kind of like i missed a huge chunk of my life when i was in the middle of living it, and i can't remember what happened. things seem like they've just been so stressful, and no matter how hard i try, they don't and won't get any easier. i know God is putting me through all of this so that i can learn to just put all i am and all of my faith and trust in Him, but it's really hard at times...i really wish it wasn't this hard, and that it didn't necessarily seem like you're loosing yourself in the process, but i'm starting to realize that i never completely have myself if i'm not totally 100% consumed and emerced in God Himself.
There's times during the day or the week that i just feel completely helpless and that no matter what i attempt to do or let go of, the burden never gets any lighter. These past few weeks, i've had some of the people that i thought i was closest to, just completely turn against me and barely even talk to me unless it's at their convenience. i don't want to lose the friendships, but i also recognize the fact that i can't invest all that i am into making things work when they aren't putting in their share because then i just got totally worn out and drained.
I'm also trying to deal with the possibility of my dad getting his cancer back, and as much as i want to not think about it, it's there in the back of my mind. There's always things that you know you should think about because of what might happen, but i honestly just can't bring myself to take time and think about it because it's like i almost don't want to look at it straight up....or else then i know it might be really happening and i don't even want to go there right now..
I mean, i'm trying to trust God with everything in me and all that i am, but during everything when it seems like it's just you, it's hard, ya know...it's hard to recognize the fact that you're not doing it all alone, but you always have Him right beside you, carrying you along the way. But anyway....yeah, just had to get that out before i could fall asleep, so goodnightt :]
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