spring breakk!

So, i'm pretty much psycheddd for spring break this year! Last year for winter break, i was in mexico down in oaxaca at roca blanca and i like fell in love with it down there! but this year i didn't completely feel God calling me to go on the mission trip down there for spring break, but i'm still going to have funnn!

I've been a little stressed..[just a lil, ha]...and so on sunday i just finalized my spring break plans to get away, & it's less than 2 wks away.....i'm going down to texas to visit Chris! and his whole fam, which is pretty much part of my family anyways, lol, but i soo can't wait!!! we're been trying to go down and visit them for as longggg as i can remember because whenever we see them, it's always when they're up at the lake..so i'd say it's about time! the only thing is, is that with all my dad's going through and the chemo and everything, my mom isn't able to go down with me...so it's just going to be me. i don't think i've been so excited about something in a long while..so yayyy! :]

..but anyways, that's mostly it for now. i was just so excited that i had to write about it, hehe ;D

trials & decisions..

Well..life has been.....challenging to say the least, where to begin...

First off, my dad has recently been rediagnosed with hodgkins cancer. it's definately something that you don't want to go through, but something that you know God has done for a reason, and that He will use it to bring glory to His name in the end. i admit, it's difficult to see that part of the picture now, but maybe that's just part of it..not seeing the whole picture, that is. I just pray that the side effects of the chemo [which he starts tomorrow] won't take a huuugeee toll on him though, because i hate seeing him have to go through it all.....it hate seeing people have to bear the pain and suffering of things like this...& especially when it's mi padre..

Next, i just got accepted to Liberty University, and i'm really quite excited. since about last march, i thought i had felt the call of God in my life to go down to Mexico for a few months this coming fall before starting school, just to do work for Him and draw closer to Him. although having gone through this past school year, i'm really starting to wonder if that's what God has for me, or if He wants me to go down to LU or somewhere else so that I can fellowship with other people. this is all mostly because this past year has been a hard one with friendships and everything. and to be honest, over the past couple months i've really, truly learned that i need to let God just write my love story, because no matter how hard i try, it just doesn'tttt work at allll. i'm just praying that God reveals to me in His timing and His will, who He wants me to be with, because i know that it'll be sooo much more than i ever expected or could find for myself! that's the cool thing about it! i'm just so psyched and can't waitt for it to happen!! :]

I'm just completely ready for school to be over and done with, so that i can go on with my life and experience all that God has in store for me. I just need to see the world, and everything beyond the walls of my school [that i've been in for almost 12 years]...it's just time, that's all. as of tomorrow, we have 3 months until graduation....Sat, June 27, 2009!! so can't wait..and then only to have my grad party the day after that! that's like the one thing that seems to keep me going as of now.

And then, Tammy [my cousin] is pregnant with her 2nd..soon to be named London, and then her & DJ's son Dawson. She's not due until lateee april/early may, but she started to dialate a week or so ago, and now she's having slight contractions because of some complications..baby London's still alive, but she only weighs about 3 lbs and from what they can tell, she isn't growing or gaining any of the nutrition that she needs, hence her light weight. we're all starting to get nervous, even though we're trusting and believing in God for a miracle to take place, so that little London will be healthy, as well as Tammy. 

With all of this going on, plus so much more school related stress/discomfort, i'm just soo completely ready to get out and at least get away during spring break. i don't think that i've ever felt or been so ready in my lifeeeee! all that i can do right now is just lean on God to carry me through all of this until it's over...but sometimes it really is hard because it feels as if there's no point in it anymore..ughh, i hate feeling like that! sometimes i wish that everything would just end so that i wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, but then if nothing was there to deal with, i wouldn't feel as if i had a need for God anymore. the year 2009 seems like it has been the most challenging year of my life so far, but i'm sure that God has planned something great and amazing as it goes on, it's just up to Him when it's time to reveal it all to us..

Life...in portions

Well..i guess i'm switching it up for right now with a different type of blog than i usually do because, well, i just have a lot on my mind and that i'm struggling with so here we go.......

For about the past month and a half, things have just been like a complete up and down roller coaster that i wish that i could just get off and be done with it.  i can randomly just come home and start crying if i happen to think of something or what not, because it sometimes just seems like i don't even recognize my life and i don't know what's happening..kind of like i missed a huge chunk of my life when i was in the middle of living it, and i can't remember what happened.  things seem like they've just been so stressful, and no matter how hard i try, they don't and won't get any easier.  i know God is putting me through all of this so that i can learn to just put all i am and all of my faith and trust in Him, but it's really hard at times...i really wish it wasn't this hard, and that it didn't necessarily seem like you're loosing yourself in the process, but i'm starting to realize that i never completely have myself if i'm not totally 100% consumed and emerced in God Himself. 

There's times during the day or the week that i just feel completely helpless and that no matter what i attempt to do or let go of, the burden never gets any lighter.  These past few weeks, i've had some of the people that i thought i was closest to, just completely turn against me and barely even talk to me unless it's at their convenience.  i don't want to lose the friendships, but i also recognize the fact that i can't invest all that i am into making things work when they aren't putting in their share because then i just got totally worn out and drained.

I'm also trying to deal with the possibility of my dad getting his cancer back, and as much as i want to not think about it, it's there in the back of my mind.  There's always things that you know you should think about because of what might happen, but i honestly just can't bring myself to take time and think about it because it's like i almost don't want to look at it straight up....or else then i know it might be really happening and i don't even want to go there right now..

I mean, i'm trying to trust God with everything in me and all that i am, but during everything when it seems like it's just you, it's hard, ya know...it's hard to recognize the fact that you're not doing it all alone, but you always have Him right beside you, carrying you along the way.  But anyway....yeah, just had to get that out before i could fall asleep, so goodnightt :]

V.oftheDay [3.1.09]

[Psalms 143:8]

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for i have put my trust in You. Show me the way i should go, for to You i lift up my soul.

Thoughts..

Well, recently things have sorta just been a big blue and kinda draining. i've been feeling so exhausted, both mentally and phsically..& this whole 'senioritis' thing has really kicked in....big time! there are many things that i have become unsure about, and when those things really start to set in, i feel almost helpless in ways. i know that God is in control of each and every situation, and that i need to let Him take the reign more, but at times it really is hard to keep that first in mind. there are a few people and a couple friends that have really been the ones to help me keep going, and who i know are there. it's during the hard times that you truly realize who your real friends are, and those who are just using you and are 'convenience friends.'

This being a major time in life with decision making, i'm really begining to realize that what you want to be there, or think might be there, is only right when it's what God wants and has in store for you. don't try to make it into something that isn't part of God's plan...His will for you is soooo much more incredible than what you could possibly think up yourself.